I have been writing and thinking a lot about this book. Its so hard to write because its makes me vulnerable. For whatever reason, I find myself being scared of being vulnerable. I guess I am wary cause I don’t want to be hurt. So that begs the question, “hurt from what?”. In my head I have determined that there will be some people who will de-value my story. React in such as a way as to say, “You tried to kill yourself over that?!?!?!?, thats stupid”. That kind of comment is what scares me.
For whatever reason, what other people say to me affects my attitude. I am not proud of my emotional reaction, but at this point in my life, that is where I am. That is how I will react until I learn how to deal with this fear. Kim, my therapist, is wonderful. Together she and I walk through my thought patterns, behaviors and feelings to figure out why I do/say what I do/say and learn new ways of dealing with stressors.
I feel embarrassingly fortunate to have this platform to be a source of hope for others who struggle with fear, abandonment, self-loahting, pride and control. I can’t wait to be able to knock one of those things off my list some day. Each day is a step closer to changing how I think and develope new healthy ways of thinking and acting. I am excited about the future. My best days are still out in front of me!!!!
So, the book…its wonderful. Very embarrassing for me to admit 90% of it. But, Its easier knowing that I don’t have to verbally say anything right now. For the time being I can just let people read it. I don’t know if I can answer questions about any of it. I know I will have to eventually, but right now, that is not the case, so I am going to rest in that and take this one day at a time.